NEW YORK– The Commodity Futures Trading Commission brought civil charges on Thursday against Jon Corzine, former CEO of brokerage firm MF Global, for mishandling over $1 billion in customer funds. The case, which will be heard in the United States District Court in Manhattan, has finally allowed the banished multitude of magical bunnies, kittens, and puppies to frolic once more in the sun-dappled pastures of Wall Street.
“Now that the last bad guy has been defeated, Wall Street has transformed back into a paradise full of smiles and laughter,” giggled Maplebottom, a wide-eyed, lop-eared brown rabbit. Maplebottom, who was forced to abandon the flowery, joyous meadows of Wall Street after the financial crisis of 2007-2008, said that illegal financial practices brought a terrible curse upon the land and ended the peaceful coexistence of friendly woodland critters and stock traders.
Corzine, who previously served as a United States senator and governor of New Jersey, was “the absolute sole remaining wrongdoer on Wall Street,” according to CTFC enforcement director David Meister. “By holding Corzine accountable for the failure of MF Global our agency has restored Wall Street to the way it was before the recession: jam-packed with fun, happiness, fair play, harmony, and rainbows,” Meister said.
Now that only gentle, kind-hearted traders remain on Wall Street and all financial exploitation has been solved forever, the marvelous forest creatures of Wall Street can rest assured that never again will they be driven from their homes. And unlike Corzine, who (the lawsuit alleges) knowingly undermined his own internal policies regarding the management of funds, all remaining Wall Street executives are honest folk who love nothing more than to play in the Friendship Fields with their furry pals.
The road ahead for CTFC prosecutors is laden with difficulties, including the task of conclusively proving that Corzine “did not act in good faith” during the collapse of the company. But the trading commission is confident that they will succeed in demonstrating Corzine’s role in the largest Wall Street bankruptcy since 2008.
Special accommodations have already been arranged for at least two bunnies and a kitten to testify against Corzine at the trial.
“Their names are Meriwether, Butterscotch, and Cupcake,” said Meister. “With witnesses like these, we don’t even need to hire lawyers.”