ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Republican sponsors of a recently-passed anti-contraception measure in Missouri are scrambling for cover from angry protests by men who have learned that the new law would also allow pharmacists to deny them the male-oriented, sexual enhancement drug Viagra.
“I swear to God I had no idea we were giving that much freedom to independent pharmacists,” said State Senator David Sater, a Republican pharmacist from Cassville and sponsor of the bill. “I was just trying to do my part to put women in their place in terms of the bedroom and it just got way out of hand.”
The measure, which passed the Missouri Senate on a 24-9 vote and was sent on to the House, was intended to further control women’s bodies by giving pharmacists the freedom to refuse to stock contraceptives of any kind in their stores. Unfortunately the text of the bill, which reads in part “no pharmacy licensed in this state shall be required to carry or maintain in inventory any specific prescription or nonprescription drug or device,” allowed for more freedom than Sater intended.
“I’m actually a big fan of the measure,” said Jennifer Rich, owner and pharmacist of Jennifer’s Pharmacy and Soda Shop in Clayton, Missouri. “Every day I get three or four creepy guys in their 60s buying that crap from me, winking all the while, like just getting the damn pill means they’re all gonna get some. Now I can finally tell those degenerates to go to Hell.”
Sater’s life has been upended over his part in the bill. His family has left him, his friends have shunned him, and he has acquired an expensive crack-cocaine habit as a way to block out the emotional anguish.
“I thought I was being especially clever putting in the bit about devices because there are these big battery-operated pipe-like things that women can get that make a man almost unnecessary and I had to get rid them,” lamented a visibly-twitching Sater alone in his office. “I never dreamed folks would withhold Viagra. Sweet Lord, what have I done?”
He then flinched as a large brick crashed through his window with the words ‘ROT IN HELL, SATER’ scrawled across it in what looked to be blood.
The Missouri Pharmacy Association initially supported the measure, but has been scrambling backwards since the outbreak of mob mentality. “People need to understand that just because the bill says a Pharmacy doesn’t have to carry Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, or even lube for that matter, doesn’t mean it won’t be available,” said MPA CEO Ron Fitzwater. “In fact, I personally will be handing out cartons of the stuff out back from the trunk of my car in twenty minutes. As God as my witness!”
Lawmakers have moved with surprising speed to amend the bill, but are having difficulty agreeing on the language. “Look, I know we’re in a bad state, but we gotta move slowly,” said Republican State Senator Ed Emery as an effigy of Republican leadership burned outside his window. “But the last thing we want to do is over-react and put all them whoring pills back on the shelves.”
Fellow Republican Brian Munzlinger disagreed with Emery’s advice, stating, “Repeal it the whole thing! Free Viagra for everyone! Quick! Before they kill us all!”
Democratic Senate Minority Leader Jolie Justus sympathized with her colleagues across the aisle, but doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about. “All this over a bill that might, possibly, maybe be used to keep a penis flaccid? Really?” she said. “Hell, they pass law after law telling me what I can do with my vagina but you don’t see me storming the capital.
“Honestly, these guys are such pussies.”