Chaos Erupts As Oscar Nominees All Show Up in Character

LOS ANGELES – Pandemonium ensued at the Kodak Theater on Sunday as the 20 Academy Award-nominated actors – as well as several of their costars, crew members, respected peers, ushers and Sylvester Stallone – all appeared dressed and behaved as their respective film characters. Police have confirmed 18 dead and 34 injured.

The first hints of Oscar trouble were on the red carpet when actor Daniel Day Lewis refused to “break” in his interview with entertainment reporter Melissa Rivers and explain why, exactly, he had chosen to show up in a charcoal waistcoat and stovepipe hat. The two were interrupted by a stumbling Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, who shared unidentified pills out of what looked like a Philadelphia Eagles cap.

What could have been an amusing lark took a turn for the bizarre when director Ang Lee emerged from his limousine dressed as a Bengal tiger and began to eat Naomi Watts’ leg.

“The theater staff was all singing ‘Master of the House,’ and I thought that was pretty cool,” said seat-filler Sean Malory. “But then Tommy Lee Jones refused to give up the mike and Kathryn Bigelow and Russell Crowe started dueling. It was around then that the ‘Django’ people began shooting everyone.”

“Thank God Ben Affleck got that ‘Southern Wild’ kid out in time,” Malory added. “I guess it’s true what they say: it’s a horror just to be nominated.”

In the wake of the ensuing melee and fire, plumes of smoke could be seen as far away as Fullerton, and police helicopters circled overhead. The survivors, including an ash-streaked Sally Field in a hoopskirt ball-gown, pulled themselves from the Kodak’s wreckage.

“I daresay that this is the last affair of this such I shall be attending for some while,” the two-time Oscar-winner said in a thick Southern accent. “And before anyone asks – the rest of the play was horrible, too.”