LOS ANGELES – In a YouTube video uploaded early this morning, actor Charlie Sheen pleaded with Bashir al-Assad and rebel forces to “call [him]” so that he “can help put an end to the violence” currently plaguing Syria. Mr. Sheen said he believes he’s “the only person on Earth with the right mixture of wisdom, equanimity and pragmatism” necessary to broker a peace deal between the warring factions.

“I can’t say I completely understand what you’re fighting about,” Mr. Sheen, supine on what appears to be his living room couch, says in the video. “But I’ve lived through some crazy shit, and I’ve come out the other side of it a well-balanced and clear-eyed man-creature. I’ll be your captain—I know I can navigate you toward peace.”

Protracted civil war has wracked Syria since March 2011, with multifarious and loosely allied rebel groups battling against the nation’s ruling Ba’ath Party and its leader, Bashir al-Assad, who has responded to the uprising with untempered military assaults. Though the United Nations, the European Union, and the Arab Gulf States have all tried and failed to negotiate an end to the conflict, Mr. Sheen—who also recently pleaded with Los Angeles murder suspect and fugitive Christopher Dormer to call him—said he will succeed where they have stumbled.

“Those are all fine organizations,” he said, “but they have one damning flaw: I’m not part of them.”

Mr. Sheen concludes his video statement by calling on the major players in other prominent conflicts—including those between Israel and Palestine and North and South Korea—to seek out his “shaman-esque guidance” whenever they “decide its time for the fighting to stop. The ball’s in your court.”