JACKSON, Wyo. — Every year the Cheney family ventures to the Equality State’s Heartland Turkey Range in neighboring Powell to bag their Thanksgiving bird. Instead of the traditional Thanksgiving spread, at least two in the family will have to settle for hospital food after they were “accidentally shot at close range by their father,” former Vice President Dick Cheney, on this year’s hunt.
The incident caps a year distinguished by an unprecedented level of intra-family squabbling, fomented recently by daughters Mary, 44, and Liz, 47—both currently in serious condition at St. John’s Medical Center.
Their private quarrel blasted into the public sphere when Liz broadcast her newfound conservative stance against gay marriage—including that of her openly lesbian sister—in an effort to unseat Republican Sen. Mike Enzi.
Mary and her wife, Heather Poe, let their indignation be known on their Facebook pages. “Liz, this isn’t just an issue on which we disagree you’re just wrong—and on the wrong side of history,” wrote Mary.
Lynne Cheney described turkey hunts of years past as, “the highlight of Dick’s social calendar, eclipsed only by his annual heart bypass,” noting that the “2013 gobbler” would be especially important for bringing the sisters together, who hadn’t spoken directly since the summer.
Ranch hand Marty Williams reported that he overheard multiple females yelling at each other until the discord was eventually silenced by a loud shotgun blast.
“The vice president came running to the barn, shotgun still in hand and smelling of gunpowder,” Williams told first responders whom he summoned to care for the injured Cheney sisters.
The Cheney patriarch waited hours before telling Fox News, “Ultimately, I am the guy who pulled the trigger,” though he offered no apology.
Family friend—and fellow victim of a shotgun fired by a Cheney—Harry Whittington offered his regrets for the “unfortunate occurrence.” Said Whittington, “My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family had to go through this past week.”
A hastily arranged security briefing on Capitol Hill led Sen. Patrick Leahy to speculate, “I wouldn’t be surprised if the former Vice President took it upon himself to settle the family feud for the sake of his weak heart.”
When asked for comment, the former vice president told Leahy to go perform an anatomically impossible action on himself.