Chicago School District Bans Wealthy Students From Attending Class In Order to Level Playing Field

CHICAGO — In an unprecedented attempt to fix America’s education system, the Chicago school district has banned all students from families making more than $27,000 a year from attending class. The board argues that because children from low-income families get a disproportionately lower education than their wealthier counterparts, the ban will level the playing field once and for all.

“The savage inequalities in our schooling system are simply disgusting,” said school board member Janet Nichols. “If poor kids can’t get to school every day, then neither should rich kids. This is the best thing we’ve ever done for our children, and hopefully the rest of the country adopts the same strategy.”

The ban, which begins January 1, will affect approximately 200,000 students and 12,000 teachers from 15 zones within Chicago’s city limits. Private schools are being fully shut down, and any student who lives below the poverty line and attends private school will be allowed to attend one of the designated operating schools. Students living above the poverty line will not be able to attend class for at least three months, after which the program’s efficacy will be evaluated

But few in Chicago’s upper class are worried.

“School is for poor people,” says 16-year-old Anthony Warren. “You ever hear of Bill Gates? Mark Zuckerberg? Paul Allen? Rich kids don’t need school. I got two tax-exempt shell companies for my 16th birthday, and I didn’t learn shit about that in school. I’m going to be a millionaire by this time next year. Have fun with your little ban.”