China Beats Texas to the Punch, Executes Prisoners on TV

BEJING — In what is being hailed as a brilliant stroke of international gamesmanship reminiscent of the Space Race, the Chinese government has become the first to televise the execution of prisoners sentenced to death in the 21st Century – an achievement many thought would be first accomplished by Texas.

Four drug traffickers found guilty of murder were administered lethal injections during a broadcast on state-run CCTV as part of a live, two-hour television event. Speaking to the Politburo after the four were pronounced dead, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao touted the public executions as further proof that China was winning the race to the bottom with the U.S. to disregard human rights.

“While the Americans are content to wait until Sweeps Week to even consider whether to inflict a fatal, irreversible sentence, the people of China can look with pride on their leaders as we not only take a pioneering step in the “murder-tainment” field, but also put a dent in our runaway population numbers.”  Chairman Mao would be proud,” he added.

While this is a stunning coup for the Chinese, there are still plenty of ways for Texas to save face, according to media industry trade publication AdWeek. “Sure, the Chinese got there first,” said editor Chris Newly, ‘but as the saying goes: everything’s bigger in Texas. China killed four – Texas can kill a dozen. Maybe even a baker’s dozen.“

In addition to executing en masse comparatively more people, Newly suggests Texas should also look into branding tie-ins with sponsors, as well as glorifying capital punishment – perhaps during a Cowboys game’s halftime show, or on the infield of the Texas Motor Speedway during NASCAR’s NRA 500 race.  “And you could probably get KFC or Papa John’s to cater a last meal,” he helpfully pointed out.

For his part, Texas Governor Rick Perry still holds firm that the state will maintain its international reputation for disregarding human life. “Lemme tell you something. There are three things Texas will always be known for: one – putting people to death, no matter their IQ; two – telling people not to mess with us; and three…ummm…uhhh…”.  Though passersby began shouting one-word suggestions ranging from the relevant, such as “religion” and “taxes,” to the absurd, such as “toenails.” Their attempts seemed to only further fluster Perry, who simply finished with, “I can’t remember what the third thing was….Oops.”

As of press time, the governor had yet to recall his third talking point.