NEWARK, N.J. — Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered a brief speech to the press declaring that the conclusion of MTV’s hit television program “Jersey Shore” would restore the state’s status as “the most respected in the Union.”
The program, which chronicles the personal relationships of eight caricatures of Italian-American youth culture, has plagued New Jersey’s once esteemed reputation for high culture.
Exiting a state helicopter and waddling up to the podium, Christie bore a wide smile that reflected his constituents’ optimism. He then proceeded to discuss the myriad benefits New Jersey will enjoy once it is free of the “Jersey Shore” cast, who have “burdened our beautiful coastline like excessive entitlement programs and the public school system.”
“By this time next year,” wheezed Christie, “Seaside Heights will no longer be associated with cheap liquor and tasteless graphic T-shirts, nor with fistfights between marginally literate young women, polluting our fresh, fragrant air with their tanning spray.”
Pausing periodically for emphasis and to catch his breath, Christie continued to speculate, “the Jersey Shore – the real Jersey Shore – will return to the pristine state that has earned us such high regard as a model of temperance, and not the butt of any jokes.”
The biggest applause break came when Christie announced a ceremonial burning of Snooki’s books next month to commemorate the long-awaited departure of “that gang of shameless hedonists – except maybe Vinny, who admittedly seems pretty likable.”
“Make no mistake: the perceptions of New Jersey as home to the shallow, materialistic, and ignorant is exclusively a product of this awful show’s corruption,” gasped the governor. “And trust me, I know a lot about corruption.” Governor Christie ended the speech by leading his audience in the New Jersey tradition of donning gas masks as a ferry carried over 1,000 tons of garbage across the border from New York City.
When Christie was later informed by an advisor about the return of embarrassing shows like “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” and “Mob Wives,” he sighed heavily and muttered, “Let’s get out of here before anyone else realizes.”