Chris Christie’s Excess Fat to Run for Lautenberg Senate Seat

TRENTON, N.J.  — A spokesperson for New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie today announced that excess fat removed from the governor’s body will run in the special election to fill the United States Senate seat formerly held by Sen. Frank Lautenberg, who passed away at age 89 on Monday. Christie reportedly chose to enter his own fat into the race after determining that it was the “best way to ensure that New Jersey is accurately represented in Washington.”

“We considered endorsing a number of viable candidates,” said Kevin Roberts, deputy press secretary to Christie. “[Lt. Gov.] Kim Guadagno, [state Sen.] Jennifer Beck — even businessman John Crowley. But lately, the governor has found that he can’t trust anyone but himself. Especially the former fat, blubbery parts of himself.”

New Jersey state law gives the governor the right to call a special election to fill vacated U.S. Senate seats, and according to Roberts, Christie chose to “exercise this right” and attempt to fill Lautenberg’s seat with lard surgically removed from his own body, rather than exercise “the exhausting, old fashioned way.”

“The governor had lap-band surgery a few months back,” Roberts said. “Obviously, it wasn’t very effective. He’d already been considering liposuction before Frank [Lautenberg] passed. But now, here’s an opportunity to save the governor’s extra fat from just rotting away in one Jersey’s abundant, already-overflowing landfills.

“Instead,” Roberts continued, “we’ll send the governor’s paunch to D.C., where it’ll be a perfect representative for the great and overweight state of New Jersey.”

As per Christie’s orders, the special election will not take place until October, after an August primary, both of which will cost New Jersey taxpayers around $12 million. Sources say that Christie delayed the election in order to provide doctors ample time to “extract as much fatness” from him as possible, “to build a stronger, more gelatinous candidate.”

Instant polling indicates that despite knowing little about the pile of fat’s political views, New Jersey voters generally approve of the governor’s endorsement. “Sure, I have no idea what it believes in politically,” said Randal Worth, 46, of Paterson. “But at least I can identify with it. If there’s one thing I know and feel comfortable with, it’s a big ole sack of lard, cus’ I’ve been surrounded by them my entire life.”