Gov. Christie Closes Port Authority to Retaliate Against SEC Investigators

TRENTON, N.J. – Up to his old retaliatory tricks, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie gave the proverbial middle finger to SEC investigators this week by closing the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, the transportation organization that has found itself at the center of yet another possible scandal involving New Jersey highways.  

“Here in Jersey, you don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong,” said a defiant Christie of the SEC investigation. “Unless, of course, said investigation involves prying into the dealings of a certain Hoboken mayor, who may or may not be a terrible person who tried to screw me over once upon a time and deserves to be exposed for the lying, spineless fraud that she is. But I digress.”

The recent closure came in response to the SEC’s ongoing investigation of the Port Authority’s handling of highway projects. Namely, the commission’s exploration will attempt to answer questions about the diversion of approximately $1 billion of Port Authority funding to New Jersey road developments.

“It’s going to be quite a little commute for SEC employees based in the metropolitan area,” continued a smug Christie, apparently ignorant of the fact that millions of people not affiliated with the regulatory body will suffer as a result of his whimsical behavior.

In fact, since Christie’s decision to close the Port Authority, which accounts for various tunnels, seaports, and highways in the metropolitan area, traffic reports have described transit between New York City and New Jersey as “rush hour on steroids, consisting of blaring horns, bottlenecks, and loud Jerseyans making threatening hand gestures to fellow drivers.”

Stan Martin, the lead SEC investigator on the Port Authority matter, said travel to and from his home in New Jersey to his office in Manhattan has been a “living hell” over the last week.

“I’ve had enough of Christie’s strong-arm tactics. I think it’s time that I – or better yet, someone else within the SEC – do something about,” said Martin, who mid-comment remembered that Christie was a “big and scary man” that he’d rather not provoke on the record.

Christie, mindful of criticism, still intends to keep the Port Authority closed until the SEC backs off its investigation.

“It’s another fishing expedition, like the supposed scandal in 2013,” Christie said. “A word of advice to SEC employees: If you want a place to fish, I know a great spot under the George Washington Bridge. It’s quiet, has access to a river, and best of all, it has no witnesses in sight.”