TRENTON, N.J. – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today successfully turned the media’s attention away from the growing George Washington Bridge Lane Closure threatening to tear down his political career. Instead, he gleefully announced that federal officers are investigating whether he improperly used Hurricane Sandy relief funds to produce tourism ads featuring himself and his family.
“Today, I am pleased to report that I am under investigation for misusing funds meant for Hurricane Sandy relief,” said Christie at a hastily-called press conference. “The alleged crimes I am accused of committing were blatantly self-serving, yet did not directly harm a single new Jersey resident, nor have anything to do with the George Washington Bridge, or, in fact, any other bridge within this fantastic state.
“Nope, this is just my out-of-control ego wasting government money,” he added. “New Jersey politics at its finest.”
The federal probe stems from Christie’s 2012 decision to select a $4.7 million bid which featured his family in the advertisements during his re-election campaign for a marketing project over $2.5 million bid that would not have featured his family.
“This was money that could have directly been used for Sandy recovery,” said New Jersey Democratic Rep. Frank Pallone. “And, as you know, many of my constituents still haven’t gotten the money that is owed them to rebuild their homes or raise their homes or to help.”
“Wow, I allegedly wasted over $2 million in federal funds? That’s horrible!” said Christie. “That’s far more interesting than any boring traffic issues. I think the media should just drop everything else and focus on this run-of-the-mill corruption story. A politician complicit in government overspending? That’s front page news!”