TRENTON, N.J. – Mired in ongoing controversy, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie commenced his second term as New Jersey Governor this week, promising his constituents that he would exercise the utmost prudence when making political decisions in the future.
“While I understand that my legacy has been tarnished by my underhanded behavior,” said Christie during his inauguration speech in Trenton, N.J., ”I want you, the people of New Jersey, to know that I have learned from my mistakes and will be far more careful covering up my lies moving forward.”
“The bridge incident – what can I say? I was sloppy,” said Christie of the scandal in which he allegedly ordered the closure of access lanes to the George Washington Bridge in Fort Lee, N.J., after Fort Lee’s Democratic mayor, Mark Sokolich, failed to endorse Christie for governor. “But I learned something from it: don’t let a political scandal leak to the press. Ever.”
Christie also believes his office could have avoided the “Hoboken mess,” in which, according to Hoboken Mayor Dawn Zimmer, Christie withheld Hurricane Sandy relief funds from Hoboken, N.J., because of the city’s refusal to supply money for a redevelopment project with ties to the governor.
“I underestimated Dawn Zimmer, which was a big mistake on my part,” continued Christie. “Sure, she’s a loudmouth, but she’s a hell of an adversary. I feel my office should’ve done a better job of ensuring she never had a chance to talk to the press, if you know what I mean. I’ll just leave it that.”
Christie went on to discuss his staff’s newest hire, a wunderkind “problem solver” from Washington, D.C. “I’m not at liberty to discuss his name, but rest assured he is an expert in the realm of political cover-ups. Bribery, extortion, putting people in their places – it doesn’t matter. This kid can do it all.”
Christie is hopeful that such hires will regain the trust of New Jersey voters, who in a recent poll only voiced a 46% approval rating for the governor.
“I think it’s pretty clear we’re serious about making changes,” continued Christie. “But we’ll need your support, New Jersey. Now, who’s with us as we try to make this state the most efficiently corrupt government in the nation?”