Christine Quinn’s Issue Emporium Now Open for Business

NEW YORK – New York City Council Speaker and mayoral hopeful Christine Quinn today introduced her new retail venture, Christine Quinn’s Issue Emporium, a one-stop shop for purchasing any and all of her stances on important issues facing New York City.

“That’s right,” said Quinn. “We’re having the biggest sale this side of Jesse Jackson Jr. If City Council can legislate it, you can buy it.”

Quinn opened the East Village outlet to better reach lobbyists, corporations, and even much-overlooked New York City residents who desire to purchase the Councilwoman’s stance on issues. “I’ve done so much for my political donors over the years that I decided I should have a storefront,” said Quinn. “You know, take democracy to the people. Or the corporations. Whoever has the money.”

“Hell, even if you don’t think we can legislate it, come by and make an offer,” she added. “The laws in New York City are elastic. Take Bloomberg’s third term, for instance.”

Among the first to take advantage of the store’s low prices and fantastic customer service were business executives opposing mandatory paid sick days. Though Quinn has repeatedly prevented legislation on this issue from coming to a vote in City Council over the last three years, CB Richard Ellis CEO Mary Ann Tighe, MacAndrews and Forbes senior vice president Christine Taylor, and Estee Lauder executive Sally Sussman purchased Quinn’s continued support for $33,550, $48,000, and $126,000 respectively.

“It was a high ticket item,” admitted Sussman. “But when I saw it sitting on the shelf, I knew I had to have it.”

The purchase instantly outraged thousands of cow-eyed New York City residents who saw it reported in the Metro, a free newspaper distributed on trains. In response, residents pulled their money together to purchase Quinn’s support of the paid sick days legislation which they found sitting on a bottom shelf behind some of the Councilwoman’s educational policies.

To accommodate the residents’ crafty purchase, Quinn is now allowing the vote to happen, secure in the fact that Mayor Michael Bloomberg has promised to veto the proposal. “I’m having my cake and eating it, too,” said Quinn.

Other recent customers at Christine Quinn’s Issue Emporium include Coca-Cola, which purchased a position against Bloomberg’s soda-size restriction initiative. In response to their purchase, Quinn said, “It’s a super bad plan, the plan he had. It’d really hurt…I think it was Coca-Cola who bought that position. Wait. I mean small businesses. It’d hurt small businesses. The middle class, am I right?”

Giving a tour of her emporium, Quinn pointed out spots where you could purchase her support of the UES waste station, buy a dinner with City Council members, secure a cabinet consideration, and other high-end items you once had to purchase behind closed doors.

“We’re going to be the most open and honest campaign ever,” she said. “I’m out there asking the citizens, ‘What issues are most important to you? How much are you willing to pay for them?’”

She pointed toward a wooden barrel near the door. “In there are $5 gift certificates in the shape of Manhattan. You can turn those in any time and I’ll say, ‘New York City is the greatest city in the world.’ Cute, right?”

“We take all major credit cards,” she added.