10 Things America Needed For Christmas

1. Bulletproof vest

Overall, gun violence has decreased since 1990, but mass shootings have gradually risen since that same period of time. Going out has never been more precarious, making it extremely important that Americans protect themselves while engaging in dangerous activities such as shopping, going to work, or attending class.

2. Selfie-Control

Not self-control, but selfie-control – the ability to stop oneself from taking a selfie even though one really wants to. According to multiple surveys, men take more selfies than women, so I’m looking at you, men. No, literally, because another one of your selfies just popped up in my newsfeed.

3. Some exercise

Largely because 70% of the average American’s diet is comprised of processed foods, some two-thirds of the country is either obese or overweight, which on the bright side can provide ample opportunities for hilarious fat-shaming.

4. Vacation

Americans are among the hardest working people in the world, but live in the only rich country that does not mandate paid vacation days for workers. Some much needed downtime could go a long way in helping Americans catch up on some sleep and finally achieving that American dream

5. Functioning Congress

In December, a divided Congress passed a budget for the first time in 27 years. Despite this achievement, Congress looks to be as gridlocked as ever ahead of the 2014 midterms. This is because recent polling shows a majority of Americans think that the most important quality a candidate can have is the ability to do nothing.

6. Some privacy, please.

The NSA collects about five billion cell phone records per day from the U.S. and around the world. But its worst offense is that it spied on people watching porn. Is nothing sacred, anymore?

7. NFL RedZone

Seriously, have Americans seen this shit? It’s seven straight hours of live football with no commercials, and was recently named the third-greatest television channel in history behind the Al Jazeera-Ecuador and WMEM-Presque Isle, Maine.

8. Prescription refill

Even with co-pays, filling prescriptions can be expensive. With 70% of Americans taking prescription drugs and more than half taking at least two, chances are some of them will need a refill around the holidays. And there’s no better way to lighten someone’s spirits by helping them take the drugs that will lighten their heads.

9. Christmas card without ugly children

Americans’ mantles are littered with Christmas cards around this time, as about 1.5 billion of them will be sent this year. However, a good many of them feature photos of children whose parents have no earthly idea how homely their kids are. There is no need for these faces to be in anyone’s living room.

10. Listification of all written material

With BuzzFeed reaching over 130 million unique visitors in November, there can be no denying the popularity of listicles. A Harvard study indicates that at the current rate, by the year 2018 lists will be the only intelligible form of written communication among Americans. As such, this will necessitate a massive repackaging of all written material. Hence, Ulysses already has a listified version titled, 265,000 Words That Perfectly Sum Up This Guy’s Day.