Chuck Hagel Announces “Drone Leaderboard” Program

WASHINGTON — On the heels of the recent controversy surrounding a report that a new medal awarded to drone operators may outrank other military accolades such as the Purple Heart and Bronze Star, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has come forward to propose an alternative.

“To allay concerns and answer questions raised as a result of controversy over the new medal, from this point on, all unmanned aerial vehicle [drone] pilots will be subject to a ‘Drone Kill Leaderboard,’ a tally that will be consistently updated every two hours, and will allow for medals to be awarded fairly and quickly,” said Hagel in a press briefing this morning.

“Merit awards will be rewarded based on the number of kills racked up in a single flight, in a single day, and of course, style points. This includes how badass the kill looks on playback, the number of explosions caused, and how little collateral damage is incurred. However, as drones do not cause civilian casualties, this will never come into play in terms of scoring. More points, more medals. It’s really quite simple.”

Both sides of the aisle in Washington have praised Hagel’s ingenuity regarding how the new medal is awarded.

“These guys are out there on the metaphorical frontlines, putting their drones in danger. This is an Old Yeller kind of deal. You can’t have guys feeling bad like that. This is the least we can do for these brave souls.” said House Speaker John Boehner in a statement.

Responses from the service branches were mixed at best. As reported previously, the Obama Administration recognizes all males of what they call ‘military age’ killed in a combat zone to be legal combatants and therefore eligible to be targeted.

Some called the change ‘outrageous,” and ‘unjust to both drone targets and personnel out in the field.’ One drone operator was all in favor for the change, saying “man, now this is totally like playing a video game: the more targets I kill, the more medals I get! Shit yeah!”

The smoldering pile of ash that was once Senator Rand Paul (R-KY)’s office had no statement prepared at the time of Holder’s speech, as his office – valued at 50,000 points – was immediately targeted by several drones.