QUANTICO, Va. — In an effort to make up for its sequester-related budgetary shortfalls, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has announced it has authorized elements of its unmanned drone-warfare program to be contracted out for private use.
Speaking to the press, CIA Director John O. Brennan described the quid pro quo arrangement with the Pakistani government, which allows the CIA unfettered access to airspace over Pakistan in exchange for the killing of Pakistani insurgents by drone. Brennan said, considering the CIA’s recent budget cuts, it did not take long to “put two and two together.”
Though he did admit that selling off the most advanced weapons in its arsenal is “a low point for the agency,” Brennan went on to point out that “it should go without saying that we here at Central Intelligence can offer the cutting edge in surveillance, information gathering, and remote-control murder.”
Said Brennan: “If anyone else could even come close to the level of service we provide, we would have killed them already.”
So far, drones have been hired by Deborah Waxman of Jefferson, MO to tail her husband David as he met surreptitiously with his mistress at a local motel; to fly by popular Florida beach locations during Spring Break announcing 2-for-1 drink special and ladies’ night at Sir Skanky’s Tavern; and for the targeted killing of Tommy ’Fingers’ Mansoni due to his failure to pay a debt he owed to the Gambino crime family.
The new policy has not been without its snags, however. Last month, the Taliban hired several drones to attack a US military convoy approaching it in the Afghan province of Kandahar. To everyone’s surprise, the CIA had also dispatched drones to support the American troops. “It was a really silly situation. We each arrived at the battle with drones for one another,” said Deputy NSA advisor Zachary von Schelling. “It was sort of like the Gift of the Magi,” he averred. The resulting confusion and firefight left 32 American soldiers dead as well as a number of Taliban and an Afghan family celebrating a wedding nearby.
Beltway insiders speculate that if the CIA program proves successful, budget cuts at the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms could lead to the most bitchin’ auction in history.