CIA Resorts to Stealing Citizens’ Identities After Budget Cuts

LANGLEY, Va. — According to an anonymous whistle-blower within the CIA, after the passage of last month’s defense department budget cuts, the agency has resorted to identity theft to fund its costly global intelligence-gathering efforts. Since 9/11, the intelligence community has enjoyed a veritable blank check to stop global terrorism. But with bipartisan efforts to reduce the federal deficit, the CIA has found its money pipeline abruptly cut off.

“Belts are tightening in all sectors of government,” said a source close to CIA Director David Petraeus, “but we still have a job to do. What are we supposed to do? We can’t bake for shit and you don’t want to see Leon Panetta soaping down a Mercedes at a charity car wash. Yikes.”

This revelation accounts for a number of mysterious identity-theft cases reported across the country. Tara Clemente, a Georgia realtor, was one victim of the CIA’s clandestine fundraising program, code-named “Operation Jackpot.” “I was looking through our credit card statement,” said Clemente, “and there were all these mysterious charges—Glock 40 ammunition, a Predator drone. They even paid the rent on a safe-house in Jakarta with my Amex.”

Blaine Jackson of Utah found his accounts frozen after his bank flagged suspicious activity on his ATM card. A spokesperson for Citibank confirmed that, in line with standard procedure, Jackson’s account was suspended after withdrawals were made simultaneously in Juarez, Riyadh, and Vienna. “I’ll do what I can for my country,” said Jackson, “but those dicks better pay the overdraft fees.”

Not every piece of the CIA’s identity theft program utilizes computer hacking either. Tim Addleston was a victim of the agency’s most controversial fundraising measure. According to internal memos, Addleston was shot with a Rohypnol blow-dart while attending happy hour at TGI Friday’s. Agents then lured Addleston out the back entrance before cloaking him in a black hood and returning to his apartment where they convinced the civilian to order thousands of dollars in gadgets on Ebay.

“I woke up the next morning and had the worst hangover of my life,” said Addleston. “I figured I just had a few too many. But then things got weird. Amazon said I recently viewed a wireless microphone, a radio transceiver, and spy-grade inner-ear listening devices. That’s when I found the CIA business card in my pocket with the letters ‘IOU’ written in a Sharpie that was clearly almost out of ink.”

In a press release today, the CIA denied any knowledge of such a program, but reminded the American public that it’s not unusual to get drunk and Google “discount body armor” without remembering it.