Democrats Strike Back, Vote To Officially Rename CIA To TIA

“Washington, D.C. – On Tuesday, the Senate intelligence committee released a milestone report, with the conclusion that the CIA repeatedly lied and misled the public, Congress and White House about its usefulness, as well as that the agency’s post-9/11 embrace of torture was both ineffective and brutal.

“The report also states that the methods of torture portrayed to the George Bush administration by the CIA were not nearly as accurate or brutal as the actual techniques and means carried out by the agency over the years. The actual torture methods went well beyond the ways already made public through a decade of lawsuits and leaks.

” These numerous scandals had revealed that agency interrogators subjected detainees to revved power drills near their heads, staged mock executions, and the quasi-drowning, known as waterboarding.

“Upon examining 20 case studies, it was determined by the investigators that torture “regularly resulted in fabricated information”, as stated by Dianne Feinstein, the committee chairwoman. Furthermore, in a statement summarizing the findings, she also referred to the torture program as “a stain on our values and on our history.”

As a result of the “6000-page classified report, the Democrats reacted almost immediately in an attempt to strike one final blow to the GOP during their time left in the Senate.

Namely, it was immediately voted within the ranks of the Democratic Party that the CIA, or Central Intelligence Agency, should be renamed TIA, or Torture Intelligence Agency. This because “the whole world, our adversaries included, is well aware of what’s going on in secret CIA prisons worldwide.

Newslo’s source inside the Democratic Party was able to say: “you can only pretend for so long that you’re the nice guy from next door. Sooner or later the truth comes out, and everybody sees you for what you really are. That’s why we feel that going public with what everybody knows the CIA is really all about is the right move. Who knows – instead of being constantly called out and scorned, maybe the new name will contribute to the agency being hired by foreign countries who wish to improve their own, antiquated torture techniques. That way, the CIA…sorry, the TIA might even contribute to the national economy. So you see, it’s really a win-win situation”, the source concluded.