WASHINGTON – Officials at the Central Intelligence Agency today admitted that members of the agency “improperly penetrated a computer network used by the Senate Intelligence Committee.” At a press conference at the agency’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia, CIA Director John O. Brennan said that he is “deeply sorry for this breach of trust,” but told reporters that, “for being members of the Intelligence Committee, the senators we spied on are, frankly, pretty dumb.”
“Yes, what our agents did was wrong,” Brennan said. “But they believed they were hacking into adults’ computers, not spying on, essentially, half-witted preteens.”
According to Brennan, the material found on computers used by members of the Senate Intelligence Committee “indicated that [they] use their computers primarily to watch old “Teletubbies” videos from the 90s, draw landscapes on Windows Paint, and, on occasion, read Fox News.”
Brennan described Senator Saxby Chambliss, R-Ga., the committee’s vice chairman, as a “serial Googler who makes dozens of moronic searches a day,” including “How 2 boil water,” and “Can masterbaiting make u go blinde?”
“Diane Feinstein is another one,” Brennan continued, speaking of the California Democrat. “Here is a woman whose primary interests seem to be three-legged cats and celebrity gossip. Statesmanship and keeping up with current events barely registers.”
The CIA had previously denied that the alleged hacking had taken place. Brennan now says that he knew all along about the incident, but was “trying to protect the senators in question.”
“I didn’t want to embarrass them with this, but they kept pressing the issue,” Brennan said. “But I guess I shouldn’t blame them. They’re way too stupid to understand the consequences of their actions.”
Brennan reportedly apologized to the committee’s leadership personally, but also urged Senators Feinstein and Chambliss to “look into re-enrolling the committee in elementary school courses.
“If they love this nation, they should reeducate themselves, because at this point, pretty much any random fifth-grader would be better equipped for their offices.”
Brennan said that some of the information the CIA acquired during the hack is “dangerously dumb” and “not for public consumption.”
“We’re keeping most of this stuff classified,” Brennan promised. “Half the world already thinks Americans are stupid. Believe me, if they get a glimpse at Mark Udall’s hard drive, we’ll never be taken seriously again.”
