CNN Hires Janitors, Cafeteria Staff and Other Major Players Away from Fox News

ATLANTA – CNN is raiding Fox News of all their major players, on-air and off. Everyone from the network’s on-air personalities to part-time janitors and cafeteria staff are being recruited by CNN.

Long time contributor Dick Morris’ contract was not renewed by Fox News and Wednesday night he appeared on CNN’s “Piers Morgan Tonight.” In November, Morris famously predicted Mitt Romney would win the presidency in a landslide victory. Morris has not been seen on Fox News since Nov. 12, most likely because his mere appearance hurts any network’s credibility. CNN; however, doesn’t seem to care.

“We aren’t concerned with credibility right now,” said CNN Worldwide president Jeff Zucker. “I’m more concerned with throwing money at other network’s employees. I want to build CNN from Fox News’ garbage. What is the saying? One man’s trash is another man’s overpaid news personality?”

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin recently parted ways with Fox News and there are rumors CNN is interested in bringing aboard the outspoken political figure. Zucker is known to have an infatuation with Fox News hosts who have little talent, which makes Palin a perfect fit.

In addition to putting Morris on “Piers Morgan Tonight” and a potential Palin signing, there were a number of new janitorial staff members seen roaming the hallways at CNN Wednesday night. There were whispers backstage that CNN has also hired away a Fox News cafeteria chef to cook vegetarian meals for Anderson Cooper. Zucker is sparing no expense when it comes to hiring Fox News employees.

“I was taking the trash out of Mr. Cavuto’s office and I got a call from Mr. Zucker,” explained CNN’s new head of 5th floor janitorial services Cal Stewart. “He said he will pay me double whatever I’m getting paid now, I just needed to start working at CNN the next day. So here I am unclogging Nancy Grace’s personal toilet. It’s a dream come true.”