NEW YORK – “It is the most relevant we have been since the Gulf War” reads a leaked memo from CNN’s global headquarters. It appears that the slumping cable network (the third most watched, behind Fox News and MSNBC) has figured out that paying gun rights enthusiast and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to rally for the deportation of Piers Morgan actually gets people to watch CNN.
Jones was paid to start a petition to get Morgan removed from U.S soil. The petition exploded in popularity, gaining over 100,000 signatures. While the network claims that it would have preferred gaining viewers by running exposes on wire-tapping and global warming, it understands that nothing stokes the passion of the American people like potential bans on military-grade assault rifles.
The hiring of Jones was so successful that CNN felt the need to put him on Morgan’s show. Network executives apparently beamed with delight as the Texan called Morgan a redcoat, an agent of a secret world government, and told him to get his “Jolly Roger.” Witnesses described CNN’s headquarters as “euphoric” when the channel’s workers realized that Jones’ antics had just bought them 24 hours of relevancy.
“CNN’s hard hitting honest reporting just doesn’t attract people the way the partisan bantering on MSNBC and Fox News does. We needed Alex Jones,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker.
The network is reportedly considering giving Jones his own show, one in which the Texan would shoot at Qurans with semi-automatic weapons while randomly quoting the constitution. “Anyone that lets us compete with Rachel Maddow and Bill O’Reilly will be given serious thought,” said Zucker.