CNN Replaces Reporting With Expensive Technology

NEW YORK — CNN has previously employed the “magic wall” – a giant iPad-like screen, a Will.i.am hologram, and intensive Twitter analysis in order to boost its election coverage. Rumors abound about what the network news giant has planned for Tuesday night.

A CNN executive, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that the network has been researching and developing a clone of Abraham Lincoln to cover the election. The executive admitted that Honest Abe would not be nearly as appealing to viewers as Will.i.am, but as the Black Eyed Pea’s rapper may have previous commitments, the network made finding a replacement a top priority.

In the past couple of weeks, eyewitnesses have reported seeing Michael Bay repeatedly enter CNN headquarters in Atlanta. This has lead to wild, yet still unconfirmed speculation, that CNN would just randomly include CGI explosions in its election coverage. While it is unclear what high-tech special effects would add to serious journalism, most people are still confused why CNN election headquarters looks like something out of a mediocre sci-fi film.

CNN founder Ted Turner had this to say about the upcoming election coverage. “We will try to incorporate even more technology this year, not just for our Tuesday coverage but across the network in general,” Turner said. “The more fancy gadgets we employ the less likely it is for our viewers to remember that we have not done anything resembling good reporting since the Gulf War.”

Turner added, “Sadly, the live pterodactyl we have created with the help of MIT will not be available for the 2012 presidential election, but it is still in the running to co-host a new morning show with Anderson Cooper.”