CNN Special Report: ‘We’re Fuc*ed’

NEW YORK – Third-place cable news network CNN today shocked its viewers by airing what media experts are calling an “unorthodox” segment. In the latest installment of its “Special Report” series, the network announced that it is “officially, totally fucked,” and admitted that it now represents “the worst aspects of media culture and human nature in general.”

 “CNN Special Report: We’re Fuc*ed,” aired in primetime last night, a slot chosen to “spread the message far and wide,” according to Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide.

“We have nothing of value left to offer,” Zucker said of the network he has run since 2012. “We hope this report convinces the few viewers we have left to turn the channel, and just let this godforsaken network die.”

The report, hosted by Anderson Cooper, made an extensive and detailed argument for why CNN has become “obviously the worst piece of shit on cable outside of A&E.” Cooper highlighted in particular another upcoming “Special Report” which will focus on pop-star Justin Bieber’s trouble with the law, titled, appropriately, “Bieber’s Troubles.”

“This is what it’s come to,” Cooper said “Some spoiled, obnoxious man-boy drives his Lamborghini intoxicated, and we devote an entire hour to it. Do you understand how desperate we are? Enough to pander to ‘Beliebers’ for ratings—that’s how desperate.”

Indeed, CNN has spent most of the past decade trailing behind both MSNBC and Fox, its main competitors.

Cooper admits that the Justin Bieber special will likely cause a short-term surge in CNN’s ratings, but argues that such a result would only prove the point that “CNN is, and probably has been for a long time, a cancerous growth in the armpit of American culture.”

“Seriously, why are you watching this?” Cooper says at the special’s conclusion. “Aren’t there more intellectually stimulating things you  could be doing right now? Like reading a book or watching internet porn? May God have mercy on our souls.”