CNN to Outsource News to India

NEW YORK — In an effort to cut costs as well as fend competition from rivals MSNBC and Fox News, the Cable News Network (CNN) has begun outsourcing its news to India.

Time Warner executives claim that local Indian broadcast stations are willing to produce compelling stories at a significantly lower cost than American outlets. CNN’s new initiative is projected to save millions in the coming fiscal quarter.

The self-proclaimed “Worldwide Leader in News” will now exclusively feature Indian stories on more than fifteen of its current programs, including “Anderson Cooper 360” and “Piers Morgan Tonight.” CNN affiliates confirmed that future reporting will be in tune with last Thursday’s episode of “360,” wherein Cooper visited the Mumbai suburb of Borivali to highlight the career of retired pro cricket player Abhishek Nayar, then toured the province’s second-largest outdoor supermarket, the Iyotake Kangi.

CNN CFO David Sellers addressed reporters outside the Time Warner headquarters earlier today. “Indian news costs 50% less to broadcast than American news. The stories are still engaging, and we double our profit margins,” Sellers said.

New Delhi small-business owner Dakshesh Bhujbal is thrilled with the exposure. For over a week, a CNN weather-van has been parked outside Bhujbal’s apartment, with chief meteorologist Jeff Lindstrom asking him every morning how he feels about the coming rain.

A crewmember close to Lindstrom said Bhujbal will eventually take over as CNN’s chief meteorologist.

Such operations will become the norm for the cable news juggernaut, which has seen ratings and viewership significantly decline over the years. Insiders maintain that the sudden influx of capital reaped from the outsourcing initiative will enable the network to compete with MSNBC and Fox News in the long run.

“Right now Fox News and MSNBC employ the highly expensive but lucrative ‘shout-at-the-camera-and-scream-like-an-idiot’ policy in regards to coverage,” said strategist Mitch Fuhrman. “If we cut costs now, in a few years we’ll be able to afford a team of our own vapid Neanderthals to squawk on the air, and actually compete in the Nielsens.”