Coca-Cola to Begin Putting Cocaine in Drinks to Fight Obesity

ATLANTA — Just days after rolling out a new anti-obesity media campaign, Coca-Cola Co. has announced the next step in their fight against obesity: starting this spring, Coca-Cola will return to putting cocaine in all of its soft drinks.

Coca-Cola is already running two-minute spots during television’s highest rated shows and plans on running three 30-second spots during the Super Bowl. The number one beverage company in the world isn’t stopping there. Coca-Cola unveiled a revised line of soft drink products yesterday that are geared towards obese children and adults.

”We are going back to our company’s roots and we will be putting cocaine back into our soft drinks.” said Diana Garza Ciarlante, a spokeswoman for Coca-Cola Co. “At first we thought it may be dangerous, but then we figured it can’t be any worse than the ingredients we already put in our drinks. Not only is cocaine a stimulant, giving normally lazy children the energy to get out of the house, but it’s also an appetite suppressant. If you drink our cocaine-filled sodas, you won’t even need to work out.”

Coca-Cola’s new line of drinks will no longer contain the standard nutritional supplement facts box on the bottle, but rather a cocaine counter that lets the consumer know how much of the drug comes in each bottle. The consumer can select which drink they want depending on the size of the obese individual and just how much weight they want to lose.

The beverage giant also announced it will be coming out with a special promotional anti-obesity package that comes with extra bags of crack cocaine. Crack pipes will be sold separately.