Cocaine, Adderall Sales to Skyrocket as Users Try to Drop Thanksgiving Weight

NEW YORK — Cocaine and Adderall dealers across the country are reporting huge increases in sales during Thanksgiving week as users look for a quick way to combat weight-gain after the holiday.

“This happens every year,” said a cocaine dealer in Manhattan who wishes to remain anonymous. “If you plan to stuff your face on Thanksgiving, just know that I got that good shit all day, son.”

Both cocaine and Adderall are appetite suppressants that have been used for decades by everyone from athletes to models who wish to maintain a certain weight without the hunger pangs. By taking the drugs, users feel full on little to no food, and they can ultimately go days without eating a full meal.

“It’s the best way to lose the weight,” said one SoHo coke user. “I have a perfect body, and every guy stares when I walk by. You don’t get this on the Atkins diet.”

Dealers also report that with college finals week rapidly approaching, the perfect storm for blow sales is forming. Between body-conscious professionals and procrastinating NYU students, dealers say the demand couldn’t be higher.

“I’m not even buying drugs to lose weight,” said one user, rocking slowly in Washington Square Park. “I’m just buying in bulk because my dealer gives ridiculous deals during this week every year. Grams for 20 bucks! That‘s pure insanity! I’m going to be fucked up ‘til Christmas.”