PITTSBURG, Penn. — An analysis of job security for citizens of America has found that “bitching and complaining” about Washington dysfunction is now the most stable profession in the country. The study, published in The Journal of Economic Perspectives, shows that while many jobs have become more insecure since 2008’s economic crisis—vulnerable to layoff via downsizing or obsolescence—professions centered on whining about the political gridlock and general incompetence of Congress and the Executive Branch are now “basically lifetime appointments.”
“If you can find a way to make money by moaning about how stupid Congress is, or yammering on and on about how Obama is killing freedom, you’re pretty much set for life,” said Dr. Tom Wallace, an expert on job security at The University of Chicago. “These are highly lucrative positions which aren’t going away, at least until somebody invents a computer capable of mimicking human indignation.”
At a time when certain jobs like university professorships and the papacy—traditionally considered highly-secure—are no longer guaranteed to last, expressing outrage about Washington’s fundamental idiocy is an effective way to ensure perpetual employment.
“It’s like bitching about how dropping a glass makes it fall to the floor and shatter,” Wallace said. “Yeah, it sucks, but barring a radical change in the basic composition of the universe, it’s just going to keep on sucking forever. Might as well profit off of the situation.”
“Sure, we’ll always need doctors and lawyers and cops,” Wallace said. “But we also seem to have a deep-seated need to listen to people whine about Washington, as if pointing out that ‘Congress is broken’ is some kind of major revelation. We all know it, but hearing it said out loud, ad nauseam, makes us feel smart and righteous.”
The White House responded to the finding by assuring the public that it has already begun considering changes to its education initiatives, which will reflect the realities of the job market, including offering “political bitching” classes in the nation’s high schools. “We need to be training our kids for the jobs of the future,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, said. “It just so happens that most people holding those jobs will be complaining about how shitty of a job we’re doing.”