Concerned Americans Praying for Safe Return of Nigerian Girls, That New ‘Godzilla’ Movie Will Be Halfway Decent

NEW YORK – Citizens across the nation are deeply worried by the ongoing catastrophe in Nigeria, where 276 schoolgirls were kidnapped just three weeks ago by terrorist group Boko Haram, and are also hoping that the second “Godzilla” movie in 16 years will be “good or just okay.”

The girls were pulled from their beds in the middle of the night and forced onto trucks by Boko Haram fighters. The militants then set their school on fire and drove the kidnapped girls to remote forested areas in the northeastern corner of Nigeria. It has been reported that 20 of the missing girls are ill and at least two have died from snakebites.

“All I can hope for now is that the rest of these girls somehow find a way back to their families, who are so worried they can barely bring themselves to eat, and that the new ‘Godzilla’ movie isn’t just a rehashing of the 1998 version with some flashy effects and big names,” said concerned mother Janet Bonner.

The girls have already most likely been split up or sold into smaller groups. While their ultimate fate is of course unknown, most humanitarian experts believe they will either be sold as sex slaves or forced into marriages with Boko Haram fighters, themselves often victims of kidnapping.

“We can safely assume that the abducted girls have been raped by their captors, if not worse,” Rona Peligal, deputy director for the African Division of Human Rights Watch told reporters. “We can also safely assume the new ‘Godzilla’ film will be at the very least watchable due to the inclusion of Bryan Cranston, an acting virtuoso who dedicates himself to every part he plays.”

Abubakar Shekau, the nefarious Boko Haram leader, claimed responsibility for the kidnappings in a recent video saying, “I abducted your girls…There is a market for selling humans. Allah says I should sell. He commands me to sell. [They] will remain slaves with us…They are slaves and I will sell them because I have the market to sell them.”

While the United States has sent FBI agents and USAID officials to Nigeria in order to assist in the search, some Americans feel like their government isn’t doing enough.

“This is a man who once said ‘I enjoy killing anyone that God commands me to kill, the way I enjoy killing chickens and rams.’ We can’t be dilly-dallying for three weeks when almost 300 innocent lives are at stake,” said Ryan Franklin, professor of international relations at Duke University. “And most of all, we can’t be fooled by the trailer. Yeah, while the previews were pretty cool, especially if you were in theaters and got to see the army people drop out of the planes, I still can’t help but wondering if I should wait until it comes on HBO.”

The investigation is moving at a glacial pace with the parents of the kidnapped girls having to pool their funds to buy fuel for motorbikes in order to conduct the search themselves. The Nigerian government has been unhelpful to say the least, with the president criticizing the grieving families for not sharing information and the Nigerian military reporting all but eight of the girls were freed, a flagrant lie.

“I know it may be thousands of miles away but what people don’t realize is that by allowing them to get away with this, it makes our own children less safe. At the core, what these monsters are saying is that women don’t deserve to be educated…that they exist solely to fulfill male domestic and sexual needs,” said Bob Jenkins, a New Hampshire man who has been following the story closely. “If you care, if you really care about your daughter, your sister, your friends, you’ll stop acting like what’s happening to these people is okay to be ignored.”

He paused for a few seconds in order to check his Twitter feed. “And if you care at all about the future of the science fiction monster genre you’ll head to the theaters on May 16 and go see ‘Godzilla.’ ”