Confused Vegans Protest German Ban on Bestiality

BERLIN — A crowd of activists numbering less than ten assembled in the heart of Berlin, Germany today to protest the German government’s recent ban on bestiality, or sexual intercourse between humans and other animals. The law, which most Germans greeted with indifference—since many believed man-on-animal sex was already banned—has outraged the group, the members of which seem unaware of the difference between sex and love.

“Animals are people too!” one protester shouted. “They deserve our love! The government allows us to eat animals—eat them!—but they threaten us with prison if we choose to express our affection in the only way possible. This is fascism, back from the dead!”

The group’s confusion seemed contagious, as passersby paused to listen to the megaphone-amplified message, and had trouble understanding what the protestors were so worked up about.

“Wait, they’re pissed off about what?” Hanna Lichter, a Berlin resident, said. Some observers tried to reason with the group, and explain that love and copulation can be mutually-exclusive phenomena, but were quickly frustrated.

“They’re not getting this,” one man commented to Newslo after pleading with the group to go home and think about what they were doing. “It’s useless. Let’s all go get a round of hefeweizen.”

“It’s as simple as this,” one protestor told Newslo. “If we can’t enter these animals, they’ll never know we care for them. I mean, if the murderers in this country are eventually going to eat them, animals should at least feel loved and sexually desirable before they’re sent to the slaughterhouse.”

Police were called to the scene but decided not to intervene. “We’re just going to let them tire themselves out,” the commanding officer said. “I feel bad for them for than anything else. I mean, scheisse, what did their mothers do to them?”