WASHINGTON, D.C. — Capitol Hill interns have leaked shocking footage of Congressional proceedings that seem to explain the legislative branch’s notorious gridlock. Long criticized for its stasis on any productive activity whatsoever, Congress is known by many Americans as a place where good ideas go to die. While partisan politics and constant filibustering were once believed to be the cause of congressional deadlock, the interns’ footage reveals that alcohol, drugs, and lewd behavior in the Capitol Building are the real reasons for the legislative branch’s ineffectiveness.
The leaked materials include videos of riotous parties, transcripts of text messages between representatives of both parties littered with sexual innuendo, and photographs of various senators smoking marijuana.
“The accusations are just preposterous,” said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “Just because we haven’t done anything significant since the midterm elections doesn’t mean we’re not giving it our all.” Pelosi then exited to her office, where she was heard yelling through the thin walls, “Who’s got my birth control? Mama’s looking to get laid!”
Despite Pelosi’s denial of the allegations, the photos and video tell a different story. Perhaps the most appalling piece of evidence is a photograph of the Senate’s Subcommittee on the Constitution, Civil Rights, and Human Rights rolling joints out of what appears to be the original copy of the United States Constitution. It has since been revealed, much to the public’s relief, that the elected officials were actually using an exact replica of the cherished document, as the original had been stolen by Nicolas Cage just days before during his most recent imaginary treasure hunt.
“When the cameras aren’t rolling, Congress turns into one giant frat party,” said one of the interns behind the leaks, still seemingly intoxicated from his time at work two days ago. “I tried to keep up, but these guys are tanks. The only thing Ron Paul will drink is what he refers to as ‘gold-standard gin,’ but he makes it in his bathtub. I tasted it once: he’s drinking straight lighter fluid.”
When asked by the Department of Justice if he could provide any sort of explanation for the lascivious actions of Congress, Speaker of the House John Boehner stared unblinkingly at Attorney General Eric Holder for several minutes before uttering a single word: “YOLO.”