WASHINGTON — Over three hundred members of the House of Representatives gathered on the Capitol Building’s steps yesterday to commemorate the 10th anniversary of the beginning of the Iraq War by burning $1 trillion cash. Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) spoke before the colossal tower of flames, saying, “Today we mark ten years since the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom, and humbly offer another trillion dollars to the Gods of War, to demonstrate our enduring fealty.”
Lawmakers were joined at the ceremony by lobbyists from some of the United States’ largest defense contracting firms—including Lockheed Martin and Boeing—many of whom stood whispering into politicians’ ears as the massive pile of currency was quickly rendered a wasted heap of ash.
“Obviously, we care about the deficit,” House Armed Services Committee Chairman Buck McKeon told Newslo. “But there are more important things to consider. Like making sure Ares and Durga (a Greek and a Hindu war deity, respectively) know that we honor and fear them.”
The Iraq War—which began on March 20, 2003 and was, at the time, justified by faulty intelligence suggesting that then-ruler Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction—is estimated to have cost American taxpayers around $1 trillion. “Not to mention nearly 5,000 American lives, and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi ones,” said former Alaskan Senator Mike Gravel, who protested the ceremony from across the street. Mr. Gravel accurately noted that no WMD’s were ever found in Iraq, and that the country has, since the end of the war, destabilized significantly and is plagued by sectarian violence, “making you wonder what the hell we spent that money on.”
“With all due respect, Mr. Gravel just doesn’t understand,” said Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN). “We don’t want to burn this money,” she whispered, glancing nervously at the sky. “We have to. They’re watching us.”