Congress Decides “Death Quota” for Mass Shootings Must Be Filled Before Gun Control Reform Passes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a summer of tragic and disturbing domestic mass shootings, a bipartisan effort on Capitol Hill has led to the announcement that Congress will not act immediately on gun control laws, but will wait until, in the words of one congressional aide, a new “death quota is filled.” A congressional committee has been formed, including Reps. Joe Wilson (R-SC) and Nita Lowey (D-NY), to decide on the exact number of innocent Americans that must perish in mass shootings before Congress begins to formally make a decision on gun rights.

“Congress isn’t convinced that gun control laws need adjustment,” the aide told Newslo. “There are some crazies out there, sure, but does that necessitate policy reforms across the board? More research is needed.”

The congressional committee has begun reaching out to various experts on gun control from both sides of the aisle. Marcus Brigham, chairman of the Center for Gun Control Reform, says that the striking number of mass shootings in the last five years is more than enough proof that gun laws in America should be tightened. “James Holmes, Wade Michael Page – that’s just this summer alone,” Brigham said. “Not to mention Gabby Giffords and that old bastard Cheney. Even Bush signed gun control reforms after Virginia Tech, but it wasn’t enough.”

Across the aisle, however, many conservatives feel that far more tragedies are needed to prove the dangers of the Second Amendment. In his report to the congressional committee, longtime NRA consultant Samuel Cleetus writes: “When you consider the number of Americans in this country – over 300 million – how can we let a couple dozen deaths, no matter how tragic, dictate our entire nation’s policy? My studies have concluded that at least 27.4 million Americans must die in mass shootings before the societal impact of our God-given right to bear arms should be questioned.”

The congressional committee will reportedly release its quota in January 2013. Various Capitol Hill aides, each of whom requested anonymity, claimed that the committee was likely to list a number between 325,000 and 500,000.