Congress Passes Bill Funding Reanimation of Founding Fathers

WASHINGTON — In a historic vote on Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill aimed at funding attempts to reanimate such beloved Americans as Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Benjamin Franklin using pioneering stem cell technology. According to Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill was passed in hopes that members of Congress might finally be able to get the Founding Fathers’ “infallible opinions” on divisive modern issues.

“Instead of endlessly quibbling about what the Founding Fathers might have thought about separation of church and state or the Second Amendment, we have decided our resources would be better spent using ethically and scientifically unsound technology to reanimate them and actually find out,” said Pelosi. “And after they wake up dazed, nude, and covered in a layer of thick, gelatinous goo, I predict they’ll speak out in defense of healthcare reform.”

“At its worst, the experiment could result in stillborn, mutant creatures that are abominations before God,” said former Republican Representative Ron Paul of Texas. “But at its best, I’ll be shooting the shit with George Washington, who I’m sure agrees with me on almost every issue. I think it’s worth the risk.”

Still, many historians feel that even if this unprecedented effort were to succeed, the Founding Fathers’ views would be completely anachronistic in modern society.

“I’m pretty sure if the Founding Fathers were around today, they would remind us that while they were brilliant students of government, many of them owned slaves, dueled, and thought that only white male landowners should vote, so we shouldn’t view them as flawless political demigods,” said Professor Jason Lewis, an expert in constitutional law. “Then they’d probably point in amazement at airplanes, which I imagine they would refer to as, ‘impossible flying contraptions.’ “