Congress Thankful for All the Work They Didn’t Do this Year

WASHINGTON – As Thanksgiving approaches, many leading members of Congress are describing the things they are most grateful for this year. Along with God and family, many lawmakers say they’re particularly grateful for all the hard work they can look forward to doing in 2014, since, in the words of House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer, they “haven’t done much of anything this year.”

“2013 has been a remarkable year,” said House Representative Eliot Engel (D-NY). “Take just one example: There have been over 20 mass shootings since January 1, and yet, incredibly, we haven’t even begun to discuss legislation to address gun violence. It’s hard to believe, but we’re just really happy, because at least we’ll have plenty to do next year!”

Representative Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) echoed Engel’s statements, adding that he’s grateful for all the free time he’s had over the past 11 months. “Running for Vice President was exhausting, so it’s been nice to have so much free time this year to work on my abs,” Ryan said. “It’s true that this has been one of the least productive Congresses in modern history, but that means there’s nowhere to go but up.”

While unemployment continues to hover above seven percent, some members of Congress say that, after this year, they’re grateful that they can “really empathize with Americans who are out of work.”

“Technically, we as congressmen are employed,” said Representative Michael McCaul (R-Texas). “But we’ve done so little work recently that most of us feel like we’re jobless, so we can totally understand what the unemployed are going through—and that’s the first step to finally fixing America’s broken labor market.”

Many House Representatives also admitted that they’re very grateful that they failed to pass any laws that meaningfully address immigration this year, despite the fact that Americans overwhelmingly support the various reform ideas offered by both parties. “Yes, we have a big immigration problem, and we haven’t done a thing to fix it,” said Sanford Bishop (D-GA). “But mine is the best looking lawn on the block right now, and I think 2014 will be a great time to dig in on this issue.”

Although most lawmakers said they believe that next year will be productive, several admitted that they don’t plan on doing much work then, either. “Listen, we can’t set the bar too high,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “As long as we get some significant redistricting done in 2014, it’ll be a proud year, in my book.”