WASHINGTON — The Senate and House of Representatives have green-lit plans for a lavish, luxurious $10 million party next week, in celebration of congressional approval ratings rising from 13% to 21%.
Last week, the Gallup Organization revealed that pre-election approval ratings had risen 8% for Congress since the last monthly poll in September. The results reflected Americans’ increasing confidence in the economy, and to celebrate said confidence, Congress has decided to use taxpayer money to host what the Washington Post has called “the biggest social event of the season, after the series finale of ‘Gossip Girl.’”
The shindig is said to include performances by country star Miranda Lambert – a personal favorite of the Speaker of the House, John Boehner (R-OH) – and Beyoncé Knowles, who was personally requested by Senator Al Franken (D-MN). Reportedly, well over $4 million has been set aside to accommodate the A-list performers on the night’s set-list.
Over $1 million of Moet Chandon champagne will flow throughout the event, which is to be held at the famous Kennedy Center. Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) is said to have personally requested a giant shrimp statue made out of shrimp. Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) has demanded a $3 million disco ball covered in Swarovski crystal, telling his aides, “Madonna had something like this on one of her tours. Why can’t we have nice things too?”
Despite the lavish celebration, approval numbers for Congress are – from an historical standpoint – some of the lowest they have ever been. Only in 1992 and 2008, following the troubled presidencies of George H.W. Bush and his son, George W., have the pre-election congressional approval ratings fallen below 24%.
Nonetheless, senators and representatives alike are gearing up for the “best goddamn party we’ve ever had,” as Senator John Cornyn (R-TX) told Newslo. “Fuck the numbers. We’re getting plastered while Miranda Lambert sings ‘Baggage Claim,’ and the lovely American people are footing the bill.”