Congress to Focus on Fundraising, Candy Crush until Next Budget Crisis

WASHINGTON – With the government reopened and a debt-ceiling disaster averted via a last-minute budget agreement, members of Congress say they’re looking forward to spending their time fundraising for future elections and playing hours of Candy Crush online. Although the current budget agreement—signed by President Obama early Thursday morning—only keeps the government open until January, congressman say they’re “proud of the work [they’ve] done” and believe they deserve a “few months off to decompress.”

“This has been a long, hard road,” Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) told reporters on the Capitol steps Thursday afternoon. “But through perseverance and strength, we’ve managed to reopen the federal government and avert default. But it’s been seriously exhausting, you guys, and we really need a break.”

Senator Tom Coburn (R-Okla.), echoed the Speaker’s sentiments. “All I wanna do right now is curl up on my office coach and totally zonk to Candy Crush for a few months,” Coburn admitted. “I figure I’ll be getting to level 200 just around the time we have to shut down the government again.”

The budget deal reached late Wednesday night and passed with significant Republican support does nothing to resolve partisan conflicts over the nation’s finances or the Affordable Care Act, but does fund the government until January and raise the debt limit through February. Lawmakers and the President must find a way to work through their differences by that time or face another crisis, but many House representatives say they’ll “get around to negotiating sooner or later.”

Other lawmakers said that, now that the twin financial crises are over, they’re hoping to get back to “doing [their] real job—raising money for reelection.” Members of congress normally devote many hours a day to fundraising, but some now believe they must redouble their efforts. “The whole government shutdown thing really hurt our popularity,” said Peter King (R-NY). “If we don’t build up our war chests now, we won’t even be here to fight Obamacare in 2014 and beyond.”

For his part, President Obama—whom many observers consider the clear “winner” in the recent showdown—said he’d like to get negotiations started right away, but stressed that Republicans would have to come to him. “Look: negotiating is important,” Obama said Thursday. “But the White House gets much better wi-fi than the Capitol Building, and I’m on an amazing Candy Crush hot streak.”