DAMASCUS — As President Obama pushes for Congressional support to bomb the forces of Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad as punishment for using chemical weapons on his own people, a new Pew Research poll shows that 76% of Syrians have little faith the American legislative body’s ability to act.
Pew analyst Liz Dreller calls the findings eerie, noting that a recent study showed that the exact same number of Americans held similarly low opinions of Congress. “It is a rarity indeed to see citizens of two vastly different countries agree on whether the sky is blue,” said Dreller. ”But this Congress has achieved the unique ability to have its petty partisan bickering and gridlock incense the people of not one but two different nations. That’s quite a feather in their cap, in a way.”
In Ghouta, the suburb of Damascus that was the site of last month’s alleged sarin attack that resulted in over 1,300 deaths, Nassar Sabra described the feeling amongst the people upon hearing that their fate rested with Congress as “hopeless.” “Oh great,” said Sabra. ”So we’re just going to wait for these dipshits to get their act together? I heard they can’t even raise the debt ceiling without threatening to shut down the entire government – and what was with that food stamp bullshit?“
“We’re better off hoping for Santa Claus to bomb Assad than these as*hats,” he added.
Though the numbers paint an unflattering picture, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) says the poll is actually an encouraging sign. “We firmly believe that all citizens should be distrustful of the government – no matter what country they live in. And if 76% of Syrians believe that Big Government is a bloated waste of taxpayer money, then we’ve done our job. They really seem to be embracing their Second Amendment rights too, from the looks of it.”
“Mission Accomplished” continued a beaming Boehner.
Congress’ final decision on whether or not to bomb the Assad regime is still not expected for another few weeks, during which representatives will weigh the benefits of killing Muslims versus giving President Obama something he wants.