WASHINGTON – With the Senate finally passing a deal to resolve the government shutdown and avoid hitting the debt ceiling, Congress issued a bipartisan statement today explaining that the real reason behind the delay in resolving the budget impasse. The memo stated that the ideological divide was not actually that great, but rather that legislators had been too distracted by the intense congressional fantasy football league to sit down and talk.
“Look, I get people are fed up with us,” said Republican House Leader John Boehner when asked about Congresses’ five percent approval rating, “but my matchups the last couple of week have been crazy. I mean I was going against Nancy Pelosi and she has Adrian Peterson—I needed to be studying the waiver wire, not creating a coalition to pass the budget.”
Boehner continued by saying that he felt badly for the 800,000 furloughed workers and hoped his fantasy team, the Boehn-heads’, win over Nancy Pelosi’s Lady Pelosis would be sufficient compensation.
President Barack Obama, speaking from the Rose Garden, said that while he was upset about Republicans repeated attempts to pass a budget that gave no funding to the Affordable Care Act, he was even angrier about being left out of the Congressional Fantasy League.
“Really I think Ted Cruz is just pissed that he lost to me in last year’s playoffs,” Barack Obama said, “I think the fact that he got the Tea Party to kick me out of the league was really petty.”
The President went on to say that the Commander-in-Chiefs were running roughshod in his new fantasy league made up of members of the executive branch, but the competition was, sadly, not as intense.
“I mean Paul Ryan, Harry Reid, and Dianne Feinstein are fantasy monsters,” said Obama, “you always had to be on your toes lest one of them trade raped you, now I have to explain to Joe Biden how to set a lineup every week.”