I am writing to you today not as a politician, not as an elected representative, not as a public figure, but as your neighbor, friend, and co-worker.
As we all know, the government is really starting to crack down on insider trading within Congress, so there is really no point of me being a congressman anymore. It is actually much easier for me to just collect my pension and receive trading secrets from my friends still in Congress. That is why today I announce my retirement. Thank you for all the loopholes to which you turned a blind eye, for your short-term memory, for your undying indifference to issues that really matter, and most importantly, your dolla dolla bills yo.
Without your tax dollars, I never would have been able to fly private everywhere I went. I never would have been able to bring my family on vacation to exotic places across the globe, and I never would have had that orgy in Belize (which will undoubtedly go down as the greatest 36 hours of my life). Your apathy has literally allowed me to masturbate in my office at least once a day while still getting paid, and your truncated memory gave me the confidence to do whatever the fuck I wanted without fear of negative repercussions. All the loopholes have really made being a congressman fully worth it.
But I would be remiss if I didn’t pay special thanks to the media. All the “reporters” who chose to be publicists instead of journalists allowed me to keep my image squeaky clean. All the “reporters” who chose to make listicles of cat GIFs instead of reporting on my hypocrisies, lies, and crimes, allowed me to quietly be the baddest motherfucker since Scarface. And all the editors who prioritized speed over accuracy ensured that even if one of my crimes did make it to the front page, it would be old news the next day.
I truly believe that I have lived during the greatest time to be a congressman. Nobody in the future will get away with all the stuff I got to do, and I could not have done it without you. I will truly miss manipulating you for votes and taking advantage of you every chance I had. I had a great run, but all great things must come to an end.