HARTFORD, Conn. – After blaming women in the workforce, the legality of emergency contraceptives and the gay couple who lived 13 miles away from the School, conservatives have officially run out of reasons to blame for the Sandy Hook Tragedy.
“All tragedies are a form of God’s wrath,” explains Baptist Pastor Pete Mills. “The hard part is always figuring out what he is feeling wrathful about this time.”
Instead of directing the discussion toward the question of the ease of gun accessibility or the lack of adequate mental health coverage, conservative second amendment proponents have decided to take the “shot-in-the-dark approach” by blaming every conceivable liberal platform and hoping that one of them bears results.
“There is a huge range of issues that could have caused this tragedy,” explained conservative representatives. “It could be the legality of abortions, it could be the removal of God from Schools, it could really have been anything. So if we just target all of these unchristian practices, by casting a “wide net” so to speak, we’re bound to stumble upon the correct cause.”
While many grieving Connecticut families have found it hard to cope with the “wide net” approach, conservatives have reassured the nation by explaining that this approach, was originally founded upon a “Salem Witch Trial” style of persecution, has been known to show results in 100% of cases.