Conservatives Say Gays Still Icky, Despite SCOTUS Ruling

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – Prominent conservatives are reacting with defiance to yesterday’s Supreme Court decision in U.S v Windsor, through which the Court declared the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional. Many GOP lawmakers vowed to fight the ruling through legislation, while others accepted that the legal battle may be lost, but stressed that “gays will always be totally gross, no matter what the law says.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) called the Supreme Court’s ruling “disappointing” and “deeply un-American,” but pledged to never stop sneering at homosexual couples when she encounters them on the street. “There’s no law against sticking your finger in your mouth and fake-gagging when you see gays out and about, just to show them how icky you find their sinful lifestyle,” Bachmann said. “And even if there was, I wouldn’t obey it, because letting people who are different from you know how gross you find them is an essential piece of the American fabric.”

Along with declaring DOMA unconstitutional—which paves the way for the federal government to recognize state-sanctioned homosexual marriages—the Supreme Court also struck down California’s “Proposition 8,” effectively legalizing same-sex marriage in that state.

Former Arkansas governor and current Fox News host Mike Huckabee took to Facebook to express his dismay: “My thoughts on the SCOTUS ruling that determined that same sex marriage is okay: ‘Jesus wept.’ 5 people in robes said they are bigger than the voters of California and Congress combined.  And bigger than God.  May He forgive us all.”

“Don’t let those robe-wearing knuckleheads win,” Huckabee followed up a short time later. “Don’t ever let them convince you that gays are normal human beings, worthy of equal rights. God asks you to keep on relentless judging homosexuals—and maybe throwing up in your mouth a little bit—and the Supreme Court can never take that away from you.”

Rick Santorum, former Pennsylvania Senator and presidential candidate, said he’ll remain dedicated to teaching people about the evils of homosexuality, despite the ruling. “I don’t care what the Supreme Court says,” Santorum promised. “The gays might be legal now, but Ginsberg and her cronies can’t stop me from savoring the feeling of queasiness I experience every time I imagine gay dudes boning, which I do pretty much around the clock.”

“Seriously,” Santorum continued, “I can’t stop picturing and talking about gay sex. Someone help me.”