“Since When Is Duct-Taping Someone Between Two Mattresses And Throwing Them Off The Roof Considered Hazing?” Says Frat President

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — The Syracuse University chapter of Greek fraternity Sigma Chi Beta is deflecting allegations that senior members engaged prospective pledges in excessive hazing, including duct-taping freshman biology major Steven Cullard between two twin-sized Serta® mattresses and shoving him off the E.S. Bird Library.

The deposition filed by university administration claims Cullard broke 202 of his 206 bones in the controversial rite-of-passage, as the $75 dorm-issue mattress did little to cushion his eighty-foot plunge onto hard concrete.

“It’s a 100-year-old ritual,” explained Sigma Chi Beta pro consul Cody Brewer, 21. “It’s not hazing — it’s like bungee jumping, except you just fall. Besides, since when is duct-taping someone between two mattresses and throwing them off the roof considered hazing?”

Cullard is undergoing rehabilitation treatment at University Hospital, and as of press time is still totally paralyzed. Chief surgeons maintain that the college freshman’s chances of ever walking, talking, or even wiggling an index finger are slim unless he agrees to marionette-puppet therapy.

“My son’s life is ruined,” said Cullard’s mother Barbra, in tears beside her son. “You hear me? You ruined your life.”

Sigma Chi Beta has faced reckless endangerment charges before. In 2007, three senior officers of the Syracuse chapter were indicted after hopeful pledge Nolan Hurley died as result of being forced to take a bubble-bath with a toaster during rush-week. Other unauthorized hazing ceremonies include an initiation that obliges recruits to chug ammonia, fluoroboric acid, and other corrosive chemicals in rapid succession while being whipped by the fraternity treasurer.

“I’ve seen some things in that house you people wouldn’t believe,” said alumni Shane Studebaker, who spent a brief two weeks of his first semester pledging Sigma Chi Beta before admitting himself for psychiatric review. “Goats, sheep – lots of livestock. It was the livestock that did it for me. You haven’t really experienced college until you’ve gone to third base with a baby calf.”