Conspiracy Theorists See Cover-up in 9/11 Museum’s Removal of Commemorative Cheese Plate

NEW YORK — When the National September 11 Memorial Museum gift shop removed from its inventory a ceramic cheese platter in the shape of a map of the U.S. that indicated where the three hijacked planes crashed that day in 2001, survivors called it a belated attempt to rescue and dignify the memories of the fallen. Others saw in the tray’s sudden disappearance something else entirely: a conspiracy.

“The tray was here one second—and then it was gone, leaving no trace,” remarked Steven E. Jones of the 9/11 Truth group.

“In my scientifically informed estimation,” claimed Jones, “the controlled demolition of Tower 7 was nothing more than a test run for disappearing the commemorative plates that would inevitably rise out of the World Trade Center’s ashes.”

The very lack of any telltale signs of an inside job that characterized 7 World Trade Center’s swift collapse was paradoxically, in the mind of Jones, “incontrovertible proof that the government had learned from its sloppiness on 9/11 and pulled out all the stops to cover up their latest attempt to appease the lactose-intolerant Illuminati that truly call the shots in this country.”

Other advocates of the 9/11 Truth movement cite as a “smoking gun” the nutty aroma of Gouda radiating from government security personnel overseeing the gift shop.

Asked Jones, “Am I just supposed to believe that Larry Silverstein,” the World Trade Center’s leaseholder, “had no idea that he was buying what would be the one and only 9/11 cheese plate in circulation, making it the most valuable platter since the plate that held Elvis’ last peanut butter and banana sandwich before he went into hiding in 1977?”

A spokesperson for the museum sought to tamp down concern over the fate of the platter, writing, “The commemorative tray that is meant for display, not serving, has been removed.”

“That’s exactly the type of lie that the government would feed a nation of sheep’s milk cheese-eaters to further pacify them,” exclaimed Jones. “Open your eyes and pass the crackers,” he declared with a mouth half-full of Blue Stilton.

Independent research from a non-governmental agency indicates that consumption of this blue cheese before bed is associated with especially outlandish dreams.