WASHINGTON — During the twelfth hour of a filibuster initiated by Kentucky Senator Rand Paul last Wednesday, Florida Senator and real cool guy Marco Rubio took the floor to draw parallels between the state of the union and the lyrics of rappers Jay-Z and Wiz Khalifa, whom Rubio called “modern-day poets.”
“‘It’s funny when seven days can change. It was all good just a week ago,'” Rubio quoted from the Jay-Z song “A Week Ago.” Pausing to take a sip from his 40-oz bottle of malt liquor, the real crude dude continued: “Well, I don’t know if it was all good a week ago, but I can tell you that things have really changed. So yeah, that song is definitely relevant here.”
Although the filibuster was intended to block the nomination of John Brennan for CIA Director, Rand Paul and other Republican senators primarily used it to raise questions about President Obama’s use of unmanned drone strikes and whether they can be used on American citizens on American soil. The senators needed to continue speaking in order to continue the filibuster, so the conversation fluctuated from actual concerns about civil liberties to light-hearted joking intended to buy time.
Ever thirsty for attention, Rubio recognized an opportunity to court the millions of young voters who were undoubtedly following the 13-hour filibuster on C-SPAN.
“Now, I’m a West Coast guy myself,” said the happening cat, throwing up the respective sign with one hand and brandishing his iced-out chains with the other. “So when I think of all the ways the NDAA could be misappropriated to allow for extrajudicial killings of American citizens, I am instantly reminded of Wiz Khalifa’s masterpiece, ‘Work Hard, Play Hard,’ in which the Wiz reminds us: ‘Diamonds all on my ring, [person of color]. Gold watches, gold chain, [person of color]. Hundred thou’ on champagne, [person of color].'”
At this point, Rubio relieved his cotton-mouth with a refreshing swig of Old English before continuing. “‘Yeah, my money insane, [person of color]. Yeah, I’m making it rain, [person of color]. But I was just on the plane, [person of color].'”
During the ensuing moment of awkward silence, the baller-ass motherfucker poured some of his malt liquor out onto the Senate floor, calling the gesture “a preemptive one for all of our homies who will likely be targeted by drone strikes if this tyrannical administration isn’t held accountable.”
This was not the first instance in which Rubio has discussed his fondness for “the raps,” having once shared the deeply nuanced and wholly idiosyncratic opinion that Lil Wayne can’t hold a candle to Tupac. In another demonstration of his street cred, the totally hip hopper tweeted at Jay-Z later that day, criticizing him for visiting Cuba. Reportedly, the modern-day poet was enjoying his stay in Havana, smoking cubanos with Castro in cabanas, and ignored the tweet, saying: “first [persons of color] gotta find me.”