Story of Crackhead Turned Mayoral Hopeful Warms Canadian Hearts

TORONTO — Rob Ford brought sunshine to Toronto’s City Hall early Thursday morning by becoming the first candidate to register nomination papers for the city’s 2014 mayoral race.

Ford’s journey from alcoholic crackhead to mayoral hopeful has inspired Torontonians who are fed up with stiff-necked politicians who carry out their civic duty with grace and dignity.

“I think Rob Ford is proof that it’s never too late to turn your life around. It shows that anybody—and I mean anybody—can become mayor of our city,” said Toronto resident Mary Beansleeve, who will cast her ballot for Ford when polls open on October 27.

Beansleeve was taken aback after being reminded that Ford has already served three-quarters of his first term as Toronto’s mayor. “Wait. You mean he’s already mayor? But didn’t he used to be a drug dealer or a murderer or something?”

Ford’s path to City Hall was littered with accusations of alcoholism, drug abuse, murder, and even cunnilingus. Ford’s out-of-control behavior prompted the Toronto police to issue a 474-page report detailing his antics known as “Project Brazen.”

Ford’s brother, who will act as his campaign manager, told reporters that Rob is ready to put his past behind him.

“My brother has learned from a lot of mistakes and faced unimaginable adversity to get to where he is today,” said Doug Ford, also apparently unaware that brother Rob’s election bid is in fact his second.

“The people have their choice — if they want to vote for Rob Ford they are going to vote for him, if they don’t want to vote for Rob Ford, they won’t vote for him,” said Ford.

Rob himself admitted that the last few years “were a blur.”

“I remember wearing a suit a lot and shaking some hands with some important people, but I have no memory of being mayor. I think the media is after me again,” said Ford.