WASHINGTON – The FBI announced today that it will mandate a curfew on all creative writing teachers in the United States. The controversial measure, which critics say encroaches on teachers’ constitutional rights, comes after months of crimes committed by rogue creative writing instructors.
The crime wave is believed to have started with the “Good Grammar Bandit,” a bank robber operating in the Denver, Colo., area. The bandit gained international attention for his impeccably written stickup notes. A slew of crimes using perfect grammar have followed, including one graffiti artist leaving creative writing prompts on the walls of Brooklyn buildings. Some have taken it even further: One Austin, Texas criminal forced his victims to give them their wallets and write a ten-line poem in iambic pentameter. “It was terrible,” one victim told The Austin Chronicle. “It’s such a restrictive form!”
Creative writing teachers around the country have decried the FBI’s national curfew. The Creative Writing Teachers of North America released a statement shortly after the FBI press conference, describing the curfew as “nothing short of career-based profiling.” The statement then went on to tell the story of a cricket whose back legs a curious toddler ripped from his body. The statement concluded with, “P.S. It’s a metaphor. We didn’t expect you to understand that.”
The FBI has yet to respond to the statement, as a curious case of severe writer’s block has overcome everyone in the public relations department.