THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA– Hardened criminals everywhere are praising the recent cancellation of America’s Most Wanted, the groundbreaking reality show dedicated to spotlighting the country’s most dangerous fugitives. The program—which had performed poorly in the ratings recently—will not be picked up for another season by Lifetime, its current home network—a decision many sociopaths are calling “just good business.”
“Thank god,” said Donnie Grimaldi, a recently-paroled serial arsonist. “The whole thing was unfair. I say let the cops do their own work. Plus, without America’s Most Wanted consuming its evening lineup, Lifetime will have more space to show heart-warming made-for-TV movies about tenacious women standing up for themselves, which is obviously the network’s true bread and butter.”
America’s Most Wanted—which ran for 25 seasons on the Fox and Lifetime networks—is credited with aiding in the capture of over 1,200 fugitives. But the valuable public service performed by the show could not overcome its lackluster viewership numbers. James Folley, a suspected rapist currently evading police, said in a phone call to Newslo that he believes the network made the right choice. “Personally, I enjoyed the program. But you can’t prop up a show indefinitely just because you think its purpose is noble. Ratings rule the world—it’s sad but true.”
“My real beef with the show was aesthetic,” Lewisburg Federal Penitentiary resident and three-time convicted murderer Alfie Harkness said. “The dramatic reenactments were completely amateurish—I’ve seen better acting in the inmate musicals we put on every spring.”
Some criminals confessed to more self-interested reasons for welcoming the show’s demise. “Now that AMW has been canned, I might get a cell all to myself,” said Kevin Knight, a kidnapper currently incarcerated in San Quentin State Prison in California. “Which will be nice, because I have some wonderful redecorating ideas.”
America’s Most Wanted host and creator John Walsh is reportedly shopping for a new network to house the show. But criminals are advising Mr. Walsh against pushing too hard for the show’s continuation. “The demographics have simply changed,” said a spokesperson for the Aryan Brotherhood. “AMW worked well in the 90’s, but how can anyone expect it to compete with juggernauts like Mad Men and Dancing with the Stars?”
