Cristiano Ronaldo To Writhe in Pain Until Americans Pay Attention to Soccer

MADRID — After scoring two goals against Celta Vigo on Sunday to help lead Real Madrid to its sixth consecutive victory, tragedy struck forward Cristiano Ronaldo when he suffered an undisclosed injury from a callous exclamation from an American tourist.

“Hey Ronaldo! Shut up, you pussy!” shouted the unnamed assailant just as Ronaldo was celebrating his latest victory and taking questions from press and fans. The superstar immediately fell to the ground, clutching his lower left leg and rolling rhythmically back and forth while gasping in pain. With a tear in his eye, he told reporters that his injury was career-threatening, and would not heal “until even los americanos learn to appreciate futbol.”

On the heels of high profile victories over Manchester United and now Celta Viga, Ronaldo has Real Madrid poised to potentially win both the UEFA Champions League and Spain’s Copa del Rey. His spectacular performance has vaulted Ronaldo to the pinnacle of success, turning him into the most popular individual in the futbol world. Despite this remarkable success, Robnaldo remains a complete unknown within the United States, and his Real Madrid club, and for that matter soccer in general, continue to elicit zero interest in the United States, their awe-inspiring and heart-pounding games delegated to the 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. slot on ESPN: Deportes.

Supporters of Real Madrid from around the non-United States world are frantic with worry for Ronaldo, who continues to writhe in agony a full 72 hours after the ugly incident. Fans are terrified he will be unable to participate in integral upcoming matches, and are pleading for Americans to care, if not about the sport, than about a devilishly handsome man continuously writhing in agony.

“The problem facing Ronaldo is that for most Americans, soccer stopped being interesting at the age of seven years old,” explained Mike Morin, radio sports personality from WZID in Manchester, New Hampshire. “Sure, sometimes the ridiculous flops and fake injuries gain some attention, but honestly I get more calls about curling than soccer. He’s got his work cut out for him.”

FC Barcelona legend Lionel Messi expressed his own doubts about Ronaldo’s tactic. “I tried a similar strategy once,” the Argentine footballer said, “in which I tried to score incredible highlight goals with never-before-seen consistency until some Americans noticed. That didn’t work out either, though it may have been the timing. I was told a Kardashian was doing something at the same time.”

Looking for answers, reporters turned to David Beckham, the only international soccer player anyone has ever heard of, mainly because his name was in the title of a good movie. “Eh,” said Beckham when asked how he thought the Ronaldo situation would turn out. “It’s soccer. It’ll probably end in a tie.”