Critics: Free, Nation-Wide Wi-fi Plan would “Flood the Streets with Pornography”

WASHINGTON – The FCC’s proposal to equip the nation with powerful, free and unlimited Wi-Fi technology is facing fierce criticism from leading telecoms, who warn the plan would “unleash a flood of mobile, hand-held pornography onto our chaste and pristine streets.” The $178 billion-a-year wireless industry—led by titans like AT&T, T-Mobile and Intel—is mounting a well-funded lobbying campaign to prevent the so-called “super-Wi-Fi” plan from being implemented, which it claims would lead directly to an “epidemic of public lewdness not seen since Spring Break ‘05.”

“We know the FCC means well, and we agree that high-speed Internet accessibility is an important issue,” a lobbyist representing the telecom industry said. “But this plan goes too far. The technology the FCC has proposed is way too powerful—it would allow people to watch high-definition porn anywhere, anytime: in restaurants, parks, even in churches. And let’s not be naïve—this wouldn’t be the Playboy porn of our fathers. It would be the sloppy, unholy, gangbanging porn of our sons. Really hot stuff.”

The FCC’s proposal—which has received coveted endorsements from Google and Microsoft, who have lauded the plan and suggested it would spur exciting technological innovation—would buy up and use existing airwaves to provide Americans with robust Wi-Fi Internet connection wherever they are. Experts say this would make pay-for-data wireless plans, and even in-home routers, unnecessary—which would decimate the Wi-Fi industry’s profits.

“No, no, no,” an AT&T spokesman said. “This isn’t about our profits. It’s about keeping the collective American mind clean. It’s about making sure our streets aren’t overrun by poorly-concealed boners. Seriously, we swear.”

“The temptation would be far too great,” the spokesman continued. “Yes, easy Internet access—especially in rural areas—would be helpful in other ways—and likely trigger economic growth—but we’re confident that these benefits would be more than offset by the cost of a populace driven crazy by an unfettered stream of hardcore material. Who’s going to use the Internet to better themselves when Lesbian Babysitters are only a click away? Not me, that’s for sure.”