‘Cuccinelli Conservative’ Wants To Ban Teenage BDSM In Virginia

RICHMOND, Va. – Announcing that “youngsters are getting a little too kinky,” a Virginia legislator has pushed a new law that would make it a felony for teenagers to engage in sex acts involving bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism, also known as BDSM.

“It’s just not right,” said Virginia state legislator and self-described “Cuccinelli conservative” Thomas Garrett (R). “Let’s say a nubile young woman of only 17 is getting into leather, and maybe she wants to experiment with her cherubic, slightly younger boyfriend. Maybe tie him up and make him bite her toes—not hard, just like a simpering nibble—well that sort of thing doesn’t belong in Virginia.”

Garrett’s attack on underage fetish is part of a new bill that would bring back much of Virginia’s “Crimes Against Nature” law, which federal courts declared unconstitutional months ago.

“Here’s another scenario for you,” Garrett began during a packed legislative session. “Two young men come home after football practice, and because they’re still jacked on testosterone, they take off their shirts to reveal powerful, bronzed upper-bodies and go out to the woodshed. Maybe they find a length of rope—strong, thick rope. Virginia currently has no law that would stop these two strapping young specimens from experimenting with all those strands of jute and shafts of lumber, which is why Old Dominion must demand that senate bill 14 be passed!”